Post by webmistress on May 16, 2005 0:04:42 GMT -5
Ok I just need to get this off my chest.
Year after year, trip after trip, family gathering after family gathering, and I still mean nothing to them. Them being my brothers. For 25 years now I have just tried to be a part of their lives, I go visit them, I send birthday/Christmas presents and I am always forgotten by them. I don’t think I have the strength to do it anymore. Every time I spend time with them it ends with me at home alone crying. I just want to be accepted by them more then anything, I always have and yet it never happens. When I go visit them in CA I have heard too many time from their friends, god even at their weddings wow I never knew Tim/Todd had a sister. It is not my fault I was born to a different mother, that they are my only siblings, that I am 9 years younger then them. They are all I have. Yet for some reason I mean nothing. I just want to be a part of their lives; I was one of the last people to know when both of them were getting married. They have no desire to know anything about my life. When they do actually come to Arizona to visit my Dad I think they could care less if they actually see me. They will make plans with me while I am here and every time I actually get all excited and then they always cancel them with me. They have never seen where I live. I don’t know why after all these years I still let this effect me so strongly. I should just know that I mean little to them, they do not consider me a part of their life/family. You know my brothers couldn’t even tell you probably what my favorite colour is. They could not tell you how old I am what month I was born in, where I work, what I do. It’s not like I don’t tell them these things, I watch the way other people are with their siblings, this closeness they have, this bond, and I just don’t have it with mine. I yearn to have it, someone who I can confide things in. I don’t have it. I don’t have anyone like that. They have each other and when my parents die, I will have no family. It just saddens me to no end that they just don’t care. Whenever I try and bring this up to them they always say you know, its not always about you, and to myself I think yeah well when is it going to be about me for once? When will you guys actually acknowledge that you have a sister that loves you very much and feels very left out of everything? Those two are some of the very few people who can just bring me to tears; they are just so cold and self centered. In the course of this weekend after one of them made plans to go out with me Saturday night and then decided to cancel because he was too tired and I said o.k. but when am I going to see you again he said you know its not always about you, if you want someone to go out with on a Saturday night, maybe you need to find yourself a boyfriend. What the Fuck is that? I would have had plans I turned down plans with people just so I could spend time with HIM. So many things like this have happened. Every time I spend time with them I think I am done, I am not going to do this again, I am not going to stick myself out there and get hurt like this. Yet every time I have an opportunity to see them I get all excited that for some reason maybe this time it will be different. It never is. Why do I keep allowing myself to be wounded by them?
Why am I always the one who has to bridge the gap? Why do I always think of them yet they never think of me?
Why do they still mean so much to me after all they have put me through?
Why do I care enough about them to even write this?
Year after year, trip after trip, family gathering after family gathering, and I still mean nothing to them. Them being my brothers. For 25 years now I have just tried to be a part of their lives, I go visit them, I send birthday/Christmas presents and I am always forgotten by them. I don’t think I have the strength to do it anymore. Every time I spend time with them it ends with me at home alone crying. I just want to be accepted by them more then anything, I always have and yet it never happens. When I go visit them in CA I have heard too many time from their friends, god even at their weddings wow I never knew Tim/Todd had a sister. It is not my fault I was born to a different mother, that they are my only siblings, that I am 9 years younger then them. They are all I have. Yet for some reason I mean nothing. I just want to be a part of their lives; I was one of the last people to know when both of them were getting married. They have no desire to know anything about my life. When they do actually come to Arizona to visit my Dad I think they could care less if they actually see me. They will make plans with me while I am here and every time I actually get all excited and then they always cancel them with me. They have never seen where I live. I don’t know why after all these years I still let this effect me so strongly. I should just know that I mean little to them, they do not consider me a part of their life/family. You know my brothers couldn’t even tell you probably what my favorite colour is. They could not tell you how old I am what month I was born in, where I work, what I do. It’s not like I don’t tell them these things, I watch the way other people are with their siblings, this closeness they have, this bond, and I just don’t have it with mine. I yearn to have it, someone who I can confide things in. I don’t have it. I don’t have anyone like that. They have each other and when my parents die, I will have no family. It just saddens me to no end that they just don’t care. Whenever I try and bring this up to them they always say you know, its not always about you, and to myself I think yeah well when is it going to be about me for once? When will you guys actually acknowledge that you have a sister that loves you very much and feels very left out of everything? Those two are some of the very few people who can just bring me to tears; they are just so cold and self centered. In the course of this weekend after one of them made plans to go out with me Saturday night and then decided to cancel because he was too tired and I said o.k. but when am I going to see you again he said you know its not always about you, if you want someone to go out with on a Saturday night, maybe you need to find yourself a boyfriend. What the Fuck is that? I would have had plans I turned down plans with people just so I could spend time with HIM. So many things like this have happened. Every time I spend time with them I think I am done, I am not going to do this again, I am not going to stick myself out there and get hurt like this. Yet every time I have an opportunity to see them I get all excited that for some reason maybe this time it will be different. It never is. Why do I keep allowing myself to be wounded by them?
Why am I always the one who has to bridge the gap? Why do I always think of them yet they never think of me?
Why do they still mean so much to me after all they have put me through?
Why do I care enough about them to even write this?
