TSTSNBN

[Kata6]

you know.

FYI...I rec'd this email, some of you may have also, but in case you didnt.

"Some of you may be aware that ontheemmis.com was purchased from the previous owners. On March 1,2008, the site came down and is currently under construction. We are bringing back the pages as they are updated.



The complete site along with the message boards will reopen on or before March 14, 2008.



We are in desperate need of details regarding the Atlanta, Arizona and North Carolina programs.

Until then, if you have any information regarding any of the programs that were run by Bob Meehan (Currently Clint Stonebraker/ Frank Szachta) and would like to share that with us, we welcome the opportunity to review them and find an appropriate spot on the site.



Please send your information to [e-mail]





Best Regards,



OTE Inc.

(A Not For Profit Nevada Corporation)



P.S. Since the message board was closed there is no way for us to contact everyone who once

participated here, therefore not everyone will get this email. Please feel free to pass this message along to anyone you think might be interested."

There is also a personal message written by MBB explaining what has been done and why.

[mzdiagnosed]

So the starters of OTE have transferred the site/ownership to someone else as I understand. My membership for the email I used there expired long ago so I didn't receive the email that you got, Kata. Thanks for posting it. I went on the site and it seems that OTE is back up for our use if we wish. It will be interesting to see how it goes. I tend to believe that many of those there before will not participate in the same way as before. Maybe that is a good thing...

[IDBUG]

I'm glad it's back. I did see some of the Same Old Sh**, but I resisted the urge to say anything (how can you say you're leaving out someone 's name while you're saying their first name, their last name, and their initials in separate parts of the same post, just not strung together?--sorry, couldn't hold that any more).

Overall, though, I'm happy to see it going again. It's a comfort, in a way, to see everyone interacting again.

Saw your posts, mzd, I thought they were very thought-provoking and right-on. Glad to see that too. :-)

[webdominatrix]

I have yet to give in to curiosity. I've had my own shit going on for a couple of months now and I'm not sure if I can add anymore fun to my plate yet.

I hope people are keeping it nice.

I hope people aren't being smarmy towards others or judging who they think they are from cultish interactions damn near a decade ago or longer.

I hope people can gather info and share real info, not just gossip.

I hope for a lot of things and I hope this new incarnation of the site does well.

[Kata6]

So far...so good. It has all been nice, I haven't noticed any smarminess. Not any judging that I've noticed yet. Real info is being shared. No gossip.

Really.

I am impressed.

[webdominatrix]

Yeah, I noticed that right away as well. It looked awesome and purposeful (sp?). I registered not long after I posted above and poked around. Some things were hard to read again, which suprised me. Hard to read only because you read something and it hits you, "oh yeah, I really went through some shit and it sucked and those people are still doing it to others". I thought my feelings on the matter had dulled over time but I found myself teary eyed at a post that IDBUG made and some guys response that followed about being highly uncomfortable and defensive around groups and prefering privacy and solitude (paraphrasing). I guess I forget sometimes about how the crazy making affected me even in how I deal with others today.

*Sigh...anyway I'm stuffandthings on the board and I have yet to post. I don't know if I ever will. Maybe I might need to at some point just to relate to someone else. I guess the feelings that resurfaced caught me way the hell off guard.

[-]

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[mzdiagnosed]

Apr 16, 2008 18:38:59 GMT -5 IDBUG said:

I'm glad it's back. I did see some of the Same Old Sh**, but I resisted the urge to say anything (how can you say you're leaving out someone 's name while you're saying their first name, their last name, and their initials in separate parts of the same post, just not strung together?--sorry, couldn't hold that any more).

Overall, though, I'm happy to see it going again. It's a comfort, in a way, to see everyone interacting again.

Saw your posts, mzd, I thought they were very thought-provoking and right-on. Glad to see that too. :-)

Thanks ID! You too on thoughtful posts!

It has gotten progressively harder for me to be there this time. Like many of you, I still have remnants of the problems that were created by my involvement in the group and sometimes the boards are just not far enough away from where I am to be worth the involvement or to force an issue that I disagree with. My life is good. Really good, and sometimes it's hard to understand (like GH) why I'd want to dredge up or dive into some of that old business.

I do have a therapist who has helped me understand some essential things about the program and myself lately. That is that I kept myself sufficiently out of the loop, listened to my own bullshit meter, and was an underachiever as a "leader" in order to survive with some healthy sense of self. These instincts still kick in when I read posts today. Though it was not glamorous to be this way back then (and even now IMO), I am sure you will understand that it helped me. Something tells me that some of you here relate to this.

I am stoked to see Kata there bringing levity to the situation and it's always good to see the folks from Off the Emmis (WebD!) there in any event.

My best to you all!

[Kata6]

I've sort of been wondering lately...what is it that draws me to TSTSNBN? Why do I keep going there? I was in the group over 10 years ago.

The first time the site was up, I think it helped me a lot. I had really no idea that everyone else experienced the same feelings in the group and out of the group as I did. I had lost all contact w/any group members and the ones I did know for a short period of time didn't share my same feelings. I was very angry for a lot of years after leaving, mostly because I felt like I had part of my life stolen from me. But the other people that left the group at the same time as me didn't feel that way. After leaving the group, I stayed with my boyfriend from the group for a few years afterwards, and he never could understand why I was so angry about what I went through. I thought it was just me. Until I found TSTSNBN. There was SO much validation for everything I felt and it was such a relief to know I wasn't crazy for feeling so angry. I also realized so much of my fears and social ackwardness came from what I learned there (and everyone else had it too). So for me, instead of opening up old wounds, it was a healing experience for me.

Everyone has different experiences. I know that some of mine don't compare at all to what others went through. So maybe that's why my reaction to the website was so different than others. It didn't open old wounds, it just healed them. Most of my anger is gone now (and I should hope so after 10 years).

So, why do I keep coming back? Not sure.

I also find it very interesting that the majority of the people that I was in the group with for all those years don't want to have anything to do with that website. They won't participate and don't even want to read it, aren't interested in it at all. Not sure what that's about either. I could hypothesize about that all day. But whatever.

Just rambling at this point.

I hope the site keeps up and the BS doesn't come back. I think it's a good place for people.

[webdominatrix]

I go back, I post and I share what happened to me for one simple reason: revenge.

Am I proud of myself that I'm still thirsting for it? Do I wish that I could just let it all go? Sure but here's why I'm still angry:

I had a horrific childhood. Physical, mental, sexual abuse abounds. Neglect, starvation and injury were the norm. All the way up until I joined the group and then, then for the first time ever in my life I was told, "You're safe here". Oh my God, SAFE. Just hearing the word brought tears to my eyes. I am safe. I am loved. No more being called stupid, whore, worthless. No more being physically threatened. No more starving.

I think we all know how this goes. There was more abuse. Fucking liars! I was never safe. They took a kid who had nothing and showed a glimpse of the life she wished she could have, if only someone gave her the chance. They gave me the glimpse and then slammed the fucking door in my face. I know that I never would've gone to prom. Who can afford a dress when mom needs a gram? I was never going to have high school boyfriend or go on senior class trips. I don't mourn for those things. I mourn for the shimmer that I almost thought I saw in those early days. I'm angry about enduring another combined three and a half years of abuse at the hands of people who assured me, promised me, swore to me, cried to me that I was finally S-A-F-E.

I participate for that kid who grew up like I did who was made a promise that was never delivered and still goes to bed, beaten down, exhausted, hungry, lonely and unloved.

[mzdiagnosed]

I still appreciate this site. For whatever reason it has been kept up, I say, keep it going. I have decided to cut back my involvement on TSTSNBN during the summer. I realized that I am on it a bit more than I'd like to be. Not that it is hazardous to what I now do but just that it takes a lot of time to read, think about, and to compose posts. My husband so often has walked by asking, "What are you doing?" He glances at that aqua colored screen only long enough to answer his own question, "Oh, the Emmis. No, don't stop typing, just tell me about it later." I can't tell you how grateful I am to have someone so understanding in my life. It's been a decade since we've known each other and damn near that since we've married. Although my husband had $hit to do with that part of my life, he has been more than supportive about me wrestling with the demons of my past than anyone I know. I worked hard to have someone like him in my life, worked hard to have my job, my friends, my house and my family.
Recently, my dad has been very sick and this has changed not only my understanding about his mortality, but my own as well. Life is short. I have a lot to do and a lot of responsibility to those who helped get me here.
Thanks for your support and words of encouragement. Thanks especially for the interest in me and who I am and what I am doing. I will check in with you all!
MzD

[mzdiagnosed]

Well, so much for a summer off!
I really have been pleased with my progress this time around. I did some thinking about how I want to post, what I want to post and so did everyone else it appears. Good to see you all there, too. Hope you're having a great time!

[IDBUG]

I hope you're having fun as well. Still enjoying your posts. How's it going with the house and all?

OK, just venting, ranting, and trying to be conversational here... I'd love to hear what you all think, either way. (I so wish I had GH's way with words):

As for TSTSNBN, I'm internally split on some things about it. It's a good feeling, to be part of a community. That is why I keep going there. I think some of the controversy etc comes up because it is a community. And, some of the stuff we experienced before was probably a result of good-intentioned actions that were carried out in a way that didn't come across so well. I think things are getting better. I certainly hope so..

Because of the abuse we all went through, we're all left with a set of things that we just can't/won't tolerate, and in any community, sometimes issues will come up that step on one or the other of those sensitivities. Add to that poor communication skills and/or black & white thinking (all cult influenced), and that's even more likely to happen. IMO.

As for the recent stuff... I agree with Lise, what she said on the "So here it is:" thread (which I don't want to further hijack, so I'm referring to it here).

And for me it's not about the whole grooming thing. I agree about that in principle. Personally, I'd love to get laser treatments so I can be permanently hairless everywhere except my eyebrows and the top of my head. It would save me a lot of trouble. But for me it's about comfort, and it's nobody else's business. (BTW, are guys expected to live up to the same standard?)

What pissed me off about what happened is, on top of laughing about someone else's abuse, I just plain think it's sh!tty to talk about someone else's body like that. It was degrading and humiliating and ugly, and it was about something that is supposed to be private.

On top of that, the whole "can't you take a joke" thing. That is a deep pattern of abuse that came with the whole cult disease. I watched my group change, and the first change was this. People were suddenly openly abusive to others, and then rubbing their noses in it with "can't you take a joke?". I saw someone's car get torn apart at the Mesa satellite, by a mob. When he returned and saw what had been done, he was called a pvssy for even having a problem with it. He left the group soon after. There are some "jokes" nobody should have to "take". But a person who stands up and doesn't want to "take" it is somehow fundamentally flawed, furthering the abuse. I'm not saying that's happening at TSTSNBN in general, but I think it's a pattern ingrained in a lot of people's thinking still.

OK, rant over. I'm not complaining about TSTSNBN. I'm just venting. I'm very glad this place is still here too.

[webdominatrix]

I am too.