just questions

[mzdiagnosed]

I swear I don't have an agenda, I am just wondering about those of you who post on the other site. I know and understand the looking for old friends, healing side of things and those things being reasons to post. I also get having some anger or some damage that needs to be told or exposed. I am just wondering what your end goals are if you have any. It's not like I personally have any clear ones. What I mean by end goals is like: I'd probably stop posting when... fill-in-the-blank happens. Thanks for any input!

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I say what I mean
And I mean what I say

But I never meant to hurt anyone
In any way.

The content of this post has been deleted by the author. To my knowledge it has not be archived in any other forum.

[Kata6]

I don't really have any specific reasons why I post on the other site. At first it was to get in touch with people and find out how everyone was doing. Now, I pretty much have gotten in touch with everyone I wanted to, except for a couple people that are still in the group.

I can't explain why I still post there. I guess for so long I held everything inside and didn't talk to anyone about that experience. I didn't want to. Then I find this site and all of a sudden there is all this validation for everything I ever felt. I knew how fucked that place was as soon as I left, but I never talked about it with anyone because the people I did know that also had been there didn't feel the same way as I did. So here I am all these years later and I get a little bit of validation for how I felt. I was drawn to it, so I kept coming back, and then I started to get to know people on the site and now I feel as though I've made some new friends because of it.

Maybe someday I'll get tired of posting there, who knows?

[webmistress]

like Kata, no true motives are behind me posting there, i imagine someday i will just stop...
prolly when/if I have a job that does not afford me to post on message boards all day ;D

[webdominatrix]

Um I stopped posting over there because someone treated me like they were still my counselor at a staff purpose and well I just don't have to put up with shit like that anymore.

If that hadn't happened I would've stopped posting when the last two people that I felt hurt me had addressed me. Wasn't really looking for an apology, just an awknowledgement that yeah, they did that and it was wrong and they knew it was wrong. I have e-mailed them both three times a piece and for some reason they felt no need to address me so I kept going back with the hope that they would be ready someday. I also found it helpful to hang around because I was able to apologize for my own role that I played to people that mean alot to me and I feel like I still have some behavior to answer for. Most of the people that I would like to answer to are unfortunately still in the group, so I was mostly just biding my time.

[mzdiagnosed]

Thanks for answering. Like I said since I really had no agenda, I don't have that much to say except that at some level I understand all the things you've all said. One thing I struggle with understanding is the apology/acknowledging thing; I have not been apologized to nor have I apologized directly to anyone I may have hurt. I have regretted or resented different things (depending if I was hurt or did the hurting) but haven't really done anything formal about it beyond the therapist's office.
Again, thanks.

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mzdiagnosed said:

One thing I struggle with understanding is the apology/acknowledging thing; I have not been apologized to nor have I apologized directly to anyone I may have hurt. I have regretted or resented different things (depending if I was hurt or did the hurting) but haven't really done anything formal about it beyond the therapist's office.

Well, I can only explain for me. I don't know who you are, or where you sat on the totem pole.

I know, for me, I messed with people's lives. Whether I was under thought control or not, it was wrong.

I fully believe that while my actions have a valid reason behind them (the mind control) I am still responsible for my own actions. So, for me... it is important to recognize and try to resolve past wrongs.

I know a lot people (not saying this is you, I don't know you) feel that being under Meehan and Crew control is a free pass. That they aren't responsible for their actions. But, I feel they are. They really are.

[mzdiagnosed]

Thanks GH- I am privvy to your position having read threads here and there about it but you wouldn't know that!
So have people actually approached you looking for you to apologize to them or do you recognize them and then apologize if you think you did something to hurt them? If this is too personal to post you can respond to me via email- I believe this site's hosts have it.
I guess if I have any reason for asking it's curiosity and also that my own thoughts and feelings about this topic change.

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mzdiagnosed said:

So have people actually approached you looking for you to apologize to them or do you recognize them and then apologize if you think you did something to hurt them?

Well, within 24 hours of first posting at the other site I had a past counselor send a very long detailed email apologizing for their behavior. It was horrid abuse and it was nice to have that finally recognized and resolved. I already knew that it wasn’t just in my head. I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. And it was wrong. But “hearing” all of that from the perpetrator was validating. I have been in private contact with a handful of others. We have resolved the past hurts.

Some from my STL days are at the other site… honestly I was mean, but not Dallas-mean when I knew them. I have attended dinners and get-togethers with these StL people. For the most part I’d say we all have been able to say “Wow… crazy times.. but its all good now.”<br>
I had limited client contact in Houston. The people I did see were above me or equal on the totem pole. I was so sleep deprived, I really recall very little of those months. I don’t think I was in AZ long enough to make any true enemies. If I did, I’d be happy to hear them out and sort it through.

To my knowledge very few people from my most heinous days have yet to show up at the site. The few that have, I been in phone contact with. I feel badly about how they were treated and told them so. The few I am thinking of didn’t come out and ask for an apology. I acknowledged my behavior and we have made peace. At some point I’m sure more Dallas people will show up. And when they do, it will hard… but I believe it would be cleansing to be able to apologize. I was wrong. People got hurt. People died. I would have less sleepless nights if I could make peace with my part in it all.

And there are still others who I have approached, wanting to sort out the past--and I have been ignored. Some was for me to apologize for my actions. Others me wanting to know why I was singled out and treated the way I was. None of them knew my intentions when I approached them. To my knowledge they still don't.

I don't know if I answered your questions or not...

[mzdiagnosed]

Hi GH,
Yes, you answered my questions. Don't worry (if you were), I am not someone who has come looking for an apology. Like you said, I don't believe we know eachother. I only hope that anyone who has hurt me feels at least a twinge of guilt or remorse but I wonder where the line is between "healthy" guilt, plain denial of any wrong doing, and needless self abuse over our actions. I do not expect you to answer these questions for me. I only hoped to gain some insight as to where these lines are by seeing how others view this. I appreciate your willingness to express such personal thoughts and feelings in this forum. TY!